I have baked a cake I have driven more than ten minutes without a permit or license. I have gone out in public naked. I have laughed until I cried I have been in a car accident. I have kissed someone I just met I have ridden in a taxi I have played The Sims. I have played GTA. I have gotten lost in a mall I have thought about killing myself I have sworn at my parents in anger I have broke something in anger I have had sex under the age of sixteen. I have graduated high school I have smoked cigarettes I have bitten someone I have let go of someone and regretted it I have kicked a guy in the balls I have played on a playground over the age of twelve I have smoked weed I have been late to school I have missed more then twenty days in a school year. I have used MySpace for more than three years. I have done ecstasy. I have done coke. I have done meth. I have been to church in the last five years I have bought something at Hollister. I have bought something from Hot Topic. I have wanted a BMW. I have smiled at a stranger I have hated a friend’s parents. I have not given a fuck I have cried over the opposite sex more than a week straight. I have gained weight in the past month - im not gonna bold this because i dont know. haha. I have lost weight in the past month - im bolding this because i want to think i have haha I have played basketball on a team. I have played field hockey on a team. I have played soccer on a team. I have played softball on a team. I have had sex with one of my teachers. I have cursed someone out. I have punched someone in the face I have had space brownies. I have had no life I have been sick of myself I have had an abortion. I have been in love I have been in lust I have missed someone from my past I have kissed a cat or dog. I have been in a club. I have been to a rave. I have beaten myself up I have been rejected I have cried in school I have seen a meteor shower. I have been drunk I have had alcohol before the age of fourteen. I have played spin the bottle I have glued myself to something I have had a serious surgery. I have had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back I have been stalked. I have been extremely embarrassed I have had sex in a car I have had sex behind a building. I have snuck out of my house. I have shoplifted I have been suspended. I have gotten detention I have taken painkillers I have wanted to be a teacher at some point. I have wanted to be a fireman I have been called a slut I have been fingered by more than five different people. I have gone streaking. I have had sleep overs with the opposite sex I have gotten into drugs and drinking and was able to stop - i drink ? occasinally? and i havent stoppeD? lol I have played strip poker. I have sat on the computer all day I have dyed my hair I have been mistaken for someone else. I have babysat someone else’s kids
i read a blog of a friend and realized and said to myself, hey im not alone. i guess i always thought being left by that person who promised you the world was something i would have to deal with alone. my friends said it, my family said it, this guy was NOT worth it. but i stuck through it, because i wanted to make an honest man out of him. i wanted to see him change - and not only change but change because of me. i guess that was selfish of me to do so, but i wanted to be there the day he realizes he needs to make up his mind, and stop treating me as a sideburner and as his gf alternately whenever he wants. then again i guess i did get what i want, sadly, the day he realized he needs to be a one-woman-man, i wasnt THE woman, but it was his ex. anyways i guess the point of me writing this blog is to just vent out. talking about this over and over again with my friends and my sister probably just makes them want to cut their ears off: they did warn me about him, i just never listened.
for some reason over breakfast today, i thought about the 5 stages of grief that was formulated by some psychologist some time ago (insert date here) and was attributed to the experience of losing someone special in ur life thru death. eventually, it was realized that this does not only apply to death, but any major loss. i THEN realized that hey, it applies to my loss too. didnt think it would , cuz my loss didnt seem so major since i lost a douchebag who broke my heart lol. but i guess it did.
stage1. denial. i kept telling myself i was ok, and that it wasnt worth any of my time. i never shed a tear, not once, and i was ok. usually people are, but obvi this doesnt last for too long.
stage2. anger. when he came back into my life after he disappeared and left, at first i acted like we were okay. but in a span of a day or two i turned into some angry bitch who rubbed it in his face what he did to me. he deserved it to some level because i think he needs to know what he did hurt someone else really bad. but i was angry.
stage 3. bargaining. yup, i begged for him back. i dont know why, but i did “bargain” and told him that if he left her and wanted me still (which he told me he did, and that he loved me and that it was me he wanted), i would take him back (as opposed to of course when i was angry i kept telling him i hated him lol). of course that whole “fairy tale” ending never happened.
stage 4. depression. “why me?” i asked this question soo many times. wanted to stay in bed everyday. didnt wanna go to work (well, i dont want to go to work for more reasons than this one lol). i didnt wanna do school work. i just wanted to lay down and cry. cry until the pain in my heart went away. it actually physically hurt. i dont know if it hurt because i cried too much, or i cried too much because it hurt. all i know is, when i start thinking about it, the crying and the hurting all came simultaneously. lol.
stage 5. acceptance. i feel like im almost on this stage. im trying to accept the fact that HES GONE. that he’s not someone i can call mine anymore like i used to. a friend told me, “in the beginning of a relationship, if the other person wants to keep it a secret, give it the boot. not worth it.” and when i think about it, my relationship with him started like that. and in the end, was it worth it? no. def not. im trying to live by weezy’s lyrics “if you don’t love me, then somebody else will.”
so anyways, in my quest to feel free of this attachment i have, my fear is that ill never find someone, who will love me, and will promise me the world and will stick to it. i found a letter he gave to me before he left to move to base 5 hours away from where i live. and i quote “in this journey of life, i will never leave you behind because you made my life worth living.. i love you always, and forever”. BULLSHIT. lol. my biggest regret was not listening to the people around me and giving him the time of day, waiting for him to change.
although i can say i know im gonna rise a better person out of this. someone who knows not to just take what i have, but know to know that i deserve better. i end this blog with a quote from a ne-yo song (yes, because i have a song for everything haha)
"No more settling for less Im looking for that kind of man Thats gonna give his best, cause im giving my best A man that wants to cherish this And knows exactly how to woo me Not some silly little boy Who wants my goodies cause he took me to the movies”
Tom: I mean… Even if Sarah and I do love each other… maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
Mr. Leezak: So… [clears throat]
Mr. Leezak: what your saying here …is… you had a couple of bad days in Europe and… it’s over. Time to grow up, Tommy.
Mr. Leezak: Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other
days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo
album… but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to
the next. I’m sorry your honeymoon stunk but that’s what you got dealt.
Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn’t need a guy with a fat
wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit
each other up. She doesn’t need anymore security than that.
i have a friend of mine who is taking this class called conservation biology. she had shared with me a couple of things that she has learned in that class that got quite stuck in my head. “how mind boggling” are my thoughts exactly.
one of thing i found out from her that she learned from that class was that in asia, when people fish for sharks for shark fin soup, they literally take the shark from the ocean, chop off its fins, and throw it back into the ocean. they kill a big number of these sharks, literally just for its fins, and “recycle” it back to the ocean. of course this off sets ecological balance.
she also had told me about this one specific specie of bird that used to be very prominent here in north america. eventually, some idiot decided to bring another specific kind of bird into central park, just so he can have all the birds mentioned in shakespeare’s works in central park. this new specie of bird is, not surprisingly, in competition with the native birds of central park, eventually killing off the older, native species.
how annoying is that? i guess the point of this entry is to make people aware of the things we do, big or little, and how it affects the things around us. my parents used to say, “think before you act” when my personality is “act on impulse” (haha!) but at some point, i guess my parents do make sense, because everything we do affects the next person, or environment, or whatever it may be.